Blood On My Hands
by DawnsLight
Summary: R-Just in case-Old memories haunt him as he waits for the new moon to pass, his temptation to visit his mothers grave gives in to the acceptance of bring Kagome along. Secrets of deep emotions are confessed and one word is all they need to know. "Koishii"


**Authors Note:** I did a naughty thing...Put up an advertisement or so said and they took off my story The Nameless Ones and banned me from updating for awhile on that account... I didn't think that was and advertisement but either way I won't do that again...and now I can't get my story back and my old computer that it was on is currently and forever destroyed! OMG! I dunno what to do!

Oh! And for what you've been waiting for, this one-shot with Katy Rose lyrics, Lemon. She's an awesome inspiration and I love how deep her lyrics are!

**Disclaimer**: I do NOT own Inuyasha; I simply enjoy torturing the characters in my imagination while putting all that day-dreaming to good use through writing skill. 'grins' And I do not own the song Lemon by KATY ROSE...she owns it. 'Nods' so..if you really wanna go through the trouble of suing me...try it...nyah!

**-O.O-**

I just edited this...not in the manner of taking anything out, but fixing some spellings and weird words i stuck in here that totally didn't belong with a sentence...>.> It bothered me so I had to fix it.

'...' Thoughts

"..." Speaking

_Italicized_ - Lyrics

**_Memories_**

**Blood On My Hands**

His dark gaze traveled with a heated glare towards the appendages in his lap, one turned over to show him his own palm. The pads of his fingers held a rough exterior, worn with years and countless battles with his trusty blade, the same blade that rested against his shoulder well within reach if need to use it ever arose.His growl was quiet, low, an evidence to his anger. Human hands curled tightly into a fist and slammed fiercely down on the hard packed earth, pushing dust into the night air.

"I hate this!"

His only words since the sun died along the green horizon and where a moon should hang low in the night. But there was none and it seemed the dark clouds were the only thing to keep the stars company tonight.

Four sets of heads turned in his direction, startled by their companions sudden outburst but neither commented. A sense of knowledge and tension hung thick in the air around the small camp that the odd group had made. Azure stars turned to the angered man with a small sense of understanding, a calmness resinated around her twining with her strong and pure aura. She pushed a black lock of hair from her shoulder as she continued to stair at her friend with slight concern.

"Inuyasha... It'll be over soon... so try not to worry okay?"

Indigo eyes rose to meet the azure jewels, irritation still held in the gaze but slowly seemed to die down until he pushed his head to the side, avoiding those same eyes that had the power to melt him to his core. His nose in the air as an indignant huff escaped his lips.

"I'm not worrying wench. So stop bugging me and go to sleep already."

His other companions complied with the demanded request. The demon slayer laying herself gently onto her sleeping bag and opening her arms to allow the two tailed fire cat to sleep comfortably against her warmth before tugging the blanket securely around her feminine frame. The purple clad monk in robes situated himself in his usual sitting position behind the girl and against a tree trunk. His golden staff propped against his shoulder. And finally a small bundle of fur moved to curl himself into an abandoned sleeping bag next to a full yellow bag. His orange hair revealing his location beneath the covers.

Purple eyes turned to the girl sitting stubbornly across from him and narrowed while human hands placed themselves on propped up knees in an angry stance.

"What are you doing, wench?"

"I'm staying up with you of course."

The girls arms crossed tenaciously before her and her gaze narrowed to the growling man. He pulled up suddenly, his back straighter and a small smirk placed on his lips, if he still had his fangs she knew they'd be surfacing over the bottom lip.

"Fine then. Sit there and watch me. It won't be too long before you'll end up nodding off."

An irritated fire burned beneath her lashes as her blue eyes seemed to spark to life. Her fingers clenched tightly to the fabric of her skirt in a desperate attempt to remain calm. Something must have happened to make her companion this easily irritated and angry. But none of the events that occurred today were out of the normal. Nothing she could think of would have made him this upset.

'''''''''''''''''o.0'''''''''''''''

Inuyasha watched her out of the corner of his eyes. The firelight danced mischievously across her features making her glow with an ethereal light. And for some annoying reason his defenses crumbled and he was less annoyed. He still refused to look completely in her direction and her could practically wrap himself in the dangerous angry aura that radiated of her very being. He had meant to make her angry, hoping she would eventually get frustrated enough to slam herself into her strange futon and force herself to sleep.

But no such luck; she sat there staring at him in a contemplative way. As if trying to figure him out like some bewildering puzzle. He huffed at that and pulled his gaze away from her, tilting his head upwards to the heavens. He couldn't see the stars as well in his human form, couldn't see the outlines of the clouds as clearly; where they began and where they ended. A sigh escaped his lips.

_'Mother...Were so close to your village. If I were hanyou I could smell the humans sleeping in there comfortable beds...every disgusting one of them...I wonder if...you can see me Mother...'_

_They've clipped my wings again_

_tore them apart and then_

_left me_

_**Their laughter stung worse then the rocks they threw, scarred deeper then any attack he could possibly receive. But they didn't care as the village children continue to toss their earthly weapons at him; dirt, rocks, sticks...anything. He refused to allow the tears to overwhelm him. The recent loss of his mother weighed heavily on his young heart and the painfully strong knowledge that he was destined to be alone tore at his childish heart. **_

_No use to fly away to_

_my yesterday_

_of freedom_

_My eyes died back that day_

_**He couldn't get away from the taunts or the harsh treatment no matter how hard he tried. And it only grew worse when his mother died, leaving him with the real world to deal with on his own, taking the only love he had ever known along with her to that sacred place above the clouds and beyond all living comprehension. He could never be free of the way humans and various youkai that drew upon his path would sneer in disgust at him. Like he was some revolting worm beneath their feet.**_

_**But even a child could only take so much. His blood boiled and his small hands clenched tightly as the village children spat on the grave he had made for his mother, the one he was forced to dig alone and place a self made cross out of stick at the head. They mocked her for the abomination she created, insulted her for the love she showed him and his growling escalated to catch their attention. His eyes died back, never to return to their childhood innocence, never to experience the joyful tales of make believe and heavenly fantasies. **_

_**"Get away from her! Get away! Get away!"**_

_**He swiped blindly a them with his claws, scaring them away from the precious grave. Letting them retreat with screams of fright back to their vile village. And he dropped to his knees before the mound of dirt his silver hair bangs shadowing his eyes as a trembling hand rested itself on the cold dirt.**_

_**"Mother...I'm sorry...I wish...I wish I was never born...that way...you and father..."**_

_**His speech was interrupted at the sound of angry villagers approaching up the hill. Their faces contorted in outrage. He knew why they had come...they had enough of him...enough of his revolting presence lingering on the outskirts of their village near the maidens grave. And they were finally here to do something about it.**_

S_eeing the hurt I may have done_

_Beat me instead of them_

_pain is my only zen_

_of fun_

_**"You disgusting creature! How dare you scare our children!"**_

_**He stayed there, positioned on his knees as they beat him, smashed their hands into his back and bringing their farming tools down against the side of his head not even seizing as he fell to the ground on all fours, blood pooling around him from devastating wounds. He was numb to physical pain at the moment his body reacting without him. Why were they beating him? Why weren't they punishing the rodents who were spitting on his mothers grave. Weren't they taught not to disturb the dead? **_

_I'll go where secrets are sold_

_where roses unfold_

_I'll sleep as time goes by_

_**They finally left though as the sun fell back behind the horizon of land and the sky was lit in a deep purple. He lay there for a moment, not even seeing his own blood as the earth soaked it up like a starving child. **_

_So hurting here is where I belong singing a song_

_blood on my hands to stay strong_

_The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong_

_**He moved finally when the surrounding was engrossed in darkness, crawling his way to the sturdy marking cross and heaving himself into a ball at the head of the grave.**_

_**'The flowers...they're gone...'**_

_There is no right to heal the wrong_

_soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die_

_I can't throw up don't think I even want to try_

_**There was nothing, nothing that could heal the horrible ache inside him. The ache of something missing, like a part of his soul had been ripped from him and it hurt. Worse than any physical wound ever could. He felt like he could throw up but he didn't even want to try it. The pain would only worsen and trying to release it through bile would never really work.**_

_**Licking his wounds once the feeling of pain returned to him, this was payment, for destroying his mothers life. This, he calculated, was what he deserved.**_

_You still can't make me cry_

_you've pinned this butterfly_

_down_

"Inuyasha?"

He pulled his gaze down to look at the girl who called him, staring intently at her and not caring if she noticed. It seemed she wasn't going to give up. And he knew why she was up, watching him. She was protecting him, like he usually did for her high in the trees around the camp fire. Though it touched his heart deep inside...the fact that she thought he would need protecting by a human girl pinched his pride and he always reacted with the latter.

"You're not going to go to sleep are you, wench?"

She shook her head and gave a small smile in return. He only grunted and turned his attention toward the other companions. Their breathing was even, their eyes were closed and none of them were shifting around. That was enough information for him. He stood and motioned for the time traveling girl to do the same. Kagome copied the movement and walked over to him with a confused look on her face.

"Inuyasha?"

"Quiet. Just follow me, okay?"

She nodded and did as told as he began is journey down the hill and towards another one. Her gaze traveled to him. He was kind enough to walk at her pace, allowing to keep in step beside him though his eyes were solely focused on their destination. She turned away to look at their surroundings, Sango had said they were close to a village and ever sense then, Inuyasha had been acting...tense. Her blue eyes fell on him again.

"Inuyasha, you've been acting different sense we made camp...What's wrong?"

He glared down at her form the corner of his eye and then crossed his arms and tucking his hands into his haori, his usual stubborn posture when he didn't wish to discuss something. But Kagome was a persistent woman. She sighed lightly, though loud enough for his hanyou ears to twitch toward the noise.

"Sometimes...I wish you would talk to me...trust me enough to tell me things...but I understand...It's hard and it takes time."

There was a moment of silence, not uncomfortable but not exactly delightful either. He broke the silence, his voice soft and anything but strained, sounding as if he was recalling distant memories that he'd rather stay hidden, beneath the folds of his mind.

"I grew up in this village, while my mother was alive. Most of my young memories with her lie there. Her grave is on the outskirts of it."

He turned to her, his indigo eyes blazing with unspoken emotion, sadness seemed the strongest of all.

"We're going to go visit her. I..." he couldn't say it, it was on the tip of his tongue but the lump in his throat was preventing him from admitting what he wanted to do. So many years of protecting himself from emotional harm, so many years of building up his gruff exterior that he didn't know how to talk with his heart anymore. Kagome smiled in understanding and laid a gentle hand on his arm. She nodded.

"You wanted to pay your respects. Feel close to her again."

He turned away, the light brush of crimson on his cheeks as he nodded in agreement. Kagome stopped in her steps and smiled gently at him as he turned to look at her in confusion before aggravation set in.

"I'll leave you alone then, I don't want to interrupt you."

He reached out and grabbed her hand before she could walk away from him. His eyes gentle and his touch nothing less then gentle.

"No! I mean...I want her to meet you...please Kagome?"

Her eyes widened as he seemed to beg her but she smiled and nodded, moving beside him. She felt comfort in the fact that he wanted his mother to know her. Not Kikyo...but Kagome. She ignored the little voice that whispered he may have done the same thing with Kikyo and simply enjoyed the feel of his calming presence.

The cross came into sight as they rose up the side of the hill, and she surveyed the area. The grave had been built with care, it was obvious how much and been placed into its making. A wooden cross at the head, written in clawed hand writing the deep emotional word only a loving child could say.

'Mother'

Kagome repressed the tears that wanted so badly to escape and she looked up at Inuyasha. He released her hand in favor of traveling further to the foot of her grave. He fell to his knees gently and a small smile lit his face.

He use to think that he was an abomination to his mother. That he might have well of been the one to kill her with his own claws. But since Kagome...He didn't think that anymore. His hand rested on the cool dirt gently and he spoke so Kagome could hear him.

"Mother...it's been awhile hasn't it? I...I wanna apologize for not coming here sooner and visiting..."

A soft wind wrapped around them and he smiled. His Mothers understanding forgiveness. He went on.

"I'm hunting Naraku...It's hard to explain really, and long. But he's done some horrible things. I've got a pack...Friends. Shippou, he's a shape shifting kitsune...really annoying at times...but he's okay. And Sango, she's a demon exterminator we met along the way, her village was destroyed and her people killed. Naraku has her brother under his spell. We're gonna fix that though. Say hi to her family okay? I think...I think she'd like that. And a hentai named Miroku, he's suppose to be a monk of Buddha but...well I think you get it."

His gaze fell and he turned towards Kagome calling her over with a wave of his hand, she smiled and knelt beside him surprised when he grabbed her hand placed it on the dirt beside his, not moving to release her.

"This is Kagome mother, she freed me from the Goshinboku and she's a powerful Miko, stronger than Kikyo even. She's awful stubborn though." He gave a roguish grin when she sent a glare at him.

"I met her first, before the others. She lives in the future...about five hundred years. The sacred well allows us to travel back and forth, and I'm glad. I'm glad I met her, but I think you know that Mother. Though Kagome has a temper, she makes me happy."

He kept his eyes on the cross, trying in vein to ignore the surprised look she sent him and the heat flushing to his cheeks. He thread his fingers through hers. Their gazes locked instantly not immediately noticing as the sun began to rise until a startled gasp escaped her as his black hair was replaced with his vibrant silver color and his violate eyes bled into molten gold.

Strikingly handsome and his usual smirk placed on his face, he looked so much more like the Inuyasha she knew. And she was waiting, her gaze down, for him to start berating her. But instead his hand was under her chin and guiding her gaze back up to him, his hanyou eyes warm.

_I'll go where secrets are sold_

_where roses unfold_

_I'll sleep as time goes by_

_'Perhaps I do deserve to stay here, rotting away to nothing next to Mother's grave, letting the will to live bleed out of me... "like a crying rose" mother use to say. '_

_So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song _

_blood on my hands to stay strong _

_the flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong _

_there is no right to heal the wrong _

_'But Kagome's here with me now, and I don't feel like that anymore, I don't feel like the worthless halfbreed everyone else calls me. She makes me feel stronger, like I can do anything. I think you would like her mother.'_

_I can't throw up _

_don't think I even want to try_

"Kagome..." The words whispered, soft and uncertain, yet a certain desperateness lined his voice; the desperate need for acceptance, a need to belong with her. Kagome allowed her eyes to flutter close as he lowered to meet her burning lips, aching to have him devour her. And he did so with a slow tantalizing analysis. Memorizing the way she felt against him, the way she shivered when he ran his tongue across her smooth lips, everything about her he analyzed and stored away as a precious memory he never wanted to forget.

The moment golden, caught in time as they were trapped in the web of attention they created for the other. It was all so new, yet they felt as if this was right and how it should always be. Every caress of the fingers across sensitive skin became an intimate emotional touch of the soul. Their hearts reached out to each other, their souls united in a hot and passionate burst of energy. Inuyasha focused solely on Kagome as she focused her entire being on him. They poured years of caged emotions into the other, feeding them and yet drinking with a starvation neither realized could exist from the other. It was a strong unity, bonded as they were, in understanding and unscathable love.

Kagome pulled away with a sharp gasp, pulling in air like a drowning swimmer, her eyes glazed and her succulent mouth swollen from the kiss. Inuyasha breathed in deeply seemingly unaffected except for the short pants he was taking in. He watched her like a wolf would watch its pray, expecting any moment for the feline to dart, make her hasty retreat into the safety of solitude. But she did not, instead, she stared at him with a warm and gentle softness to her eyes and he seemed to calm instantly from being close to driving into a repugnant arguement with her.

"Kagome..."

He didn't know what to say to her, his mind stopped working, all logic that he might have possessed before kissing her was shattered and lost like so many of the jewel shards. His tongue seemed numb but he could still taste her in his mouth, the wonderful taste that wholly described Kagome in every sense of her name. She tasted so much sweeter, so much thicker of emotion than she ever could in his Fool's Paradise. His instinct screamed in his veins, boiled madly in his blood to tell her what she was to him, what she meant to him. She was his, no one elses. Not Kouga's, not that Houjo thing's, not even Sesshomaru if he ever decided on a human mate.

He did the only ting he could do, pulled her taut against him, into his arms and his unspoken emotion, trying so depseratly to make her understand what his mind was so unwilling to say. She leaned into his invitation a gentle and comfortable sigh escaping her and he had the distinct feeling that she did understand and was happy even though he said nothing. He rest his chin against her shoulder, nuzzling her cheek in a show of affection. Inuyasha swallowed hard, forcing the lump down his throat so that speech was now a capable thing, though not the easiest in the world.

"Koishii..."

_I'll go where secrets are sold_

_where roses unfold_

_I'll sleep as time goes by_

The word was whispered, a name created by the heavens and uttered from loving lips. It rebuilt her, made her so much stronger than before. It held the power of the three magnificent words that lovers often spoke to each other, perhaps more and it seemed much morefitting for Inuyasha to simply say that one word. One word to sum up his emotions to her, no long drawn out decleration speech. And she knew that if she wasn't already in love with him completely, she would have fallen for him in that very instant.

"Koishii..."

She whispered it back to him, strengthening her grip around him in a desperate need to have him close her, to be able to smell him that much easier. She listened intently as his breathing paused, consuming the word she replied with and she could practicly see his smile, he tightened his hold that much more on her.

"Will you stay with me, just a little bit longer?"

His voice was nearly gone, almost carried fully away on the morning breeze and Kagome nodded in answer, looking toward the headstone of the grave of Inuyasha's mother, the gentle scent of lilacs drifted on the wind as it russled around them briefly, as if touching them both with soothing hands and accepting gestures.Inuyasha sighed in a deep peacefulness he hadn't felt in ages.

"I'll stay, Inuyasha. Forever, right here...with you"

**A/N**: Okay...well that took like two weeks to finish...wierd..and it came out a whole lot longer then I thought it would...again, weird. but I'm very happy on how it turned out! So if you would, please Review! Thanks!


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